the howie

There are two words that I always use to describe my life and they are “fine” and “all right”. They are very versatile words.
Howie how was your day? “oh it was all right”
How are you feeling? “fine”
And they are the only answers I generally give. I’m not sure why I do it, I’m not sure if its cause its easy, I don’t have to think about how I’m really feeling or how my day really was. Or is it that my days are always just “all right” and am I always just feeling “fine”.
Is it like the median feeling of my life, so there are good times and specicif events where I say “that was awesome” and there are things where I say “it was crap”. So if I collate all the good things and bad things and everything in between, and compile a median statistic it comes out “fine” or “all right”.
Or is it because I like people to think that I’m some super stable always the same kind of guy. My moods are reliable because there is only one.
Or is it because I just don’t like talking about myself, well that’s a lie I love talking about myself. But not serious stuff, I don’t cope in serious conversations, I’m getting better at coping with other peoples emotions and feelings but I don’t think I’m at a stage yet where I can openly talk about my own. Its weird. Plenty of people try to delve into the depths of howies head and heart and mind. But I don’t think anyone really succeeds all that well. Maybe this isn’t a good thing. Its probably not a good thing.
The other thing is that say I’m pissed off at something or someone, that feeling of being pissed off generally only lasts a few seconds, I dont like being pissed off, its so boring. So if someone does something that pisses me off I get pissed off but then think why am I pissed off. Its only a whatever.
So its rare that someone will ask me how I am in one of those moments where I am pissed off. And if they did “I’m fine”
Its not a new thing, I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. Maybe its just a bad habit that I have gotten myself into.
How do you stop, I cant just suddenly become a deep person that exhales all their emotions and feelings and thoughts. I don’t know if I want people knowing what I think or feel, they are my thoughts, for me and my feelings for me. Not all thoughts and feelings are made to be shared. And if they are then I’m stuffed.
I don’t really know what other people think, people who have known me for a while probably just think “oh its just Howie” but people who don’t know me all that well probably think I’m some cold heartless person who has no emotions and feelings and stuff.
I do have feelings, I do have emotions, I just think they might not be as deep as some other peoples. I never find myself in deep thought on any topic really. Maybe I’m a simple man. Who knows. I’m confused.

That’s enough I think.