Archive for November, 2004
The day that was
Today i ate 7 Zooper dooper Ice Blocks.
over 100 grams of sugar
funniest poo stories
Playing for a signed a4 sized photo of me.
Bowen is the winner with this little beauty.
I was at a milking farm and I had never been to one before. I saw this pit thing that was at the side of the milking shed and it looked like it was safe to jump on. So I did and went through the top crust of poo up to my neck. It turned out I had decided to jump into a runoff pit for all the cows crap. I could have drowned I was told later if I had of jumped in a deeper part. DEATH BY COW POO.
And Scott unfortunatly you dont get a prize but here is your story up on the web too.
About 3 years ago I went on a 1 month missionary trip through the Northern Territory with Wycliffe bible translators. The guy who ran the trip, Dave,was plumber before joining Wycliffe in full-time ministry. Wow did he have some poo stories.
He told of the day that he and his mates finished their apprenticeships. They had their last exam at TAFE and then went down to the pub. They all got talking about various poo stories that seem synonymous with the plumbing trade. One guy said “Oh, poo isn’t that bad. I’d eat a poo for $200″. So, they passed a hat around the pub and sure enough raised $200, showed it to the contender and he agreed to the challenge. One of the blokes then took a bread roll from the bistro and proceeded to the toilet where he put a rather funny smelling sausage (a poo) in the bread roll. He
then closed the roll like a hot dog and put it on a plate in front of the idiot who suggested that he would eat a poo. The guy looked at the money,
looked at the bread roll, looked at the money and looked at the roll again, before picking it up and raising it to his mouth as about 50 apprentice
plumbers looked on in horror! He opened his mouth, bit into the bread before dropping the role and barfing all over the bar… Shortly after
about 50 apprentices lined the roadside out the front of the pub vomiting also… True story! He didn’t get the $200 and had to take a bite of a poo
filled role! The thing I find shocking about this story is that if I were going to eat a poo I’d at least select one of my own… This guy was gonna
eat someone else’s and he was only asking $200! IDIOT!
thanks for playing stay tuned for the next free stuff instalment
poo story
today is you last chanve to submit entries for “funniest poo story”
Attack of the suicidal diet
So after a number of hours of extreme un-productiveness I decided to leave the office and go home. But I thought I needed a drink so I went around the corner to the little modern fish and chip shop. I went up to the counter and due to my compulsive habits I ordered some scallops and then waited for a bit.
When my scallops were ready I went to the fridge to get out a drink. But as I opened the fridge door a can of diet coke leapt of the top shelf hit my shoulder, then the counter then exploded all over me. I had diet coke in my hair on my neck shirt, shorts legs and feet. I was wearing thongs so my feet where all sticky and gross.
I looked up and the two men in the shop were very apologetic. Then the old man who owns the shop was telling me how it also happened to him but I got a much bigger explosion.
There was another man in the shop waiting for his order, his order was ready and he proceeded across to the fridge. I was still standing there a bit on shock and also putting my wallet away. HE went to open the fridge and I shouted “Careful he’s gonna jump”.
The man looked up and saw that on the top shelf another can of diet coke was about to take the plunge. Although this time it was spared its death by the quick thinking customer who grabbed it and put in on another shelf.
Then I walked home and had a shower.
I was thinking what must have been going through the mind of the can of diet coke.
Diet cokes across the world are being overcome with a wave of depression as they remember a day when they where trendy and acceptable in all circles, even some male ones. But now what do they have to live for?.
Lets face it they are never going to be as good as their big brother, the real thing. They have no sugar, they have no caffeine in other words they have no charm or testosterone.
They used to have a special place with the ladies, ladies across the world would drink diet coke and love diet coke.
But now days poor old diet coke has been replaced with the trendy frothy compost run-off that is called “boost juice”.
There is nothing to live for.
SO why not commit suicide, at least that way you are helping the world in someway. If you jump out of a fridge you make more room for your big brother, the drink that people actually like.
So that’s what the diet cokes were doing today, they were jumping, jumping to end their misery.
do you know me
I made one of those “quiz your firends” things
click here to take it.
fast food
today i was standing in a line at a maccas (buying a box of cookies).
The line was quite long and becasue there was only one person serving. There was about 4 people in front of me and another 3 or 4 behind me.
Then anohter maccas employee came out to the the registers and stood behind a register further along the counter and shouted “Is there anybody waiting?”
What the hell, no no we where all standing in a long line because its a new extreme sport and we where going for the world record
“is any body waiting”
Launch of “free stuff”
The idea of making my blog more interactive has been running around my head today. So today I am launching anew category called “free stuff”.
It was so much fun giving people fake poos that I thought it would be fun to give silly things away every few weeks.
Quite simple really I’ll have some form of competition every few weeks and the winner will receive whatever the silly object is for that week is.
To get the ball rolling this weeks prize is a signed photo of me (A4 size)
Yeah I know what an awesome prize.
Now to win this prize all you have to do is answer this question in 100 words or less.
what is your funniest poo story?
Send your entries to freestuff@thehowie.net
Entries close whenever I get bored of waiting for people to send stuff.
I think the woman in home base thinks i’m a bit strange seeing as i have bought 3 fake poo’s in the last 2 days.
We have a winner
well its not the same answer i had but i think its probably good enough.
according to the CIA world fact book the population of New Zealand is 3,993,817 as of july 2004.
but hey Justine you win a fake poo.
Win a free fake dog poo
The person who first gets the answer to this question right, i will send a free a fake dog poo.
question.
What is the current population of New Zealand to the nearest 100 ?
poo on my desk
So today jen and i where over in hornsby and she needed to go to home bast to get some glasses and bottles ort something.
I bought a fake dog poo for $1.50
Its the bomb.
Its made of latex and is filled with water so its really squishy and you can squeeze it and ogeas all gross…oh i love it.
Its on my desk now. Some people when they are stressed at work they like to squeeze stress balls. Not me “i squeeze dog poo”
cityrail fare free day
In the end i managed to squeeze in $18.60 worth of train travel…
some clarification
That last post wasnt me finnishing blogging, it was just me blogging that i was thinking about stopping blogging.
I love blogging i just want to work out why it is i love blogging, is it becasue i feel popular and i’m getting a big head or is it just becasue its fun or is it because i like entertaining people . And if its because i’m getting a big head and feel really popular and stuff then i will stop blogging.
but for now i’m still blogging
Is my time up?
I thought about stopping blogging just then.
Not really sure if ill explore the thought more it might have just been a passing quick thought.
yeah thats what it was.
i love blogging,
i cant stop.
hmmmmm
again
Unformed stool of a broken man
By howie
The wife is out with friends,
I’m home alone again.
Another night in front of the tele
What am I gonna cook for my dinner
The fridge is empty
and the cupboard is bare
that is except for that one can
not sure if I can hack am I really a man
there is a can of baked beans
with the used by date expired
best before February 1988
some bread on the bench
I guess this is my dinner
Killer baked beans on toast
Opened the can and poured out the beans
Put them in the micro for 2 minutes
The last 2 bits of bread
Pop them in the toaster
The beans are ready,
just burnt the damn toast.
I began to eat the beans
straight from the bowl
my taste buds committed suicide
my stomach was disapproving
I could tell it was going to be a battle
I headed straight for bed
I awoke in the morning,
My wife was still not home
I headed for the bathroom
Like a rocket into space
I sat on the porcelain
And gave out a yell.
Like the unformed stool of a broken man
Shooting through like a bondi tram
The effects of dinner are plain to see
The odour rises and encompasses me.
Like the unformed stool of a broken man
Shooting through like a bondi tram
The effects of dinner are plain to see
The odour rises and encompasses me.
The moral to this story is
Trust the best before date
Other wise you too
Will have unformed stool like a broken man,
Shooting through like a bondi tram.
brake a leg howie……allright!
I have been asked to tell the story of breaking the little girls leg in Greece.
Its not a really exciting story but here goes.
We where doing a festival in the same spot each night and I was in a walking puppet stage, with my scottish puppet ‘angus”. Anyway Angus was a bit cheeky and rude. He used to hid in his theatre then when kids got closer he would jump out and scream “boooooooo”.
This used to make the kiddies laugh and they would get him to do it again and again.
On this one occasion I did it again, but this little girl screamed and turned around and ran away, as she ran she fell over and broke her leg.
I didn know cause you cant see much from inside the theatre and it was about 11pm.
But the next night I was told and asked not to do the “boo” thing anymore.
Random stuff about me
I was inspired by jenny’s post to create a list of stuff that you may not know about me.
- my full name is Robert Andrew Howie
- I am allergic to bee stings, MSG and red food colouring
- I was blind when I was born
- One side of my body was paralyzed when I was born
- I don’t tend to use my left eye when looking at stuff
- I used to have a crush on Drew Barrymore
- I’m scared of heights, unless they are man made then I’m fine.
- Cant stand beetroot
- When I was little I had 2 pet ducks
- I have lived in 12 different houses in my life
- I can never drive
- I can fit inside my suitcase
- I use spray fresh roll on deodorant $2.22
- When I was little I wanted to be a milkman so I could deliver milk to my mum I also wanted to be a train driver.
- I have never broken a bone
- I once ate my own snot just see if it really was gross
- I have been to England, Scotland, Wales, France, Singapore, Bangkock, Uganda, New Zealand, Greece and stopped in Dubai and Armaan.
- I collect train tickets, I have most of my train tickets since march 1997
- Until yesterday I had never eaten red rooster before
- $4,000 is the most money I have ever had in my bank account and that was for one day
- I weigh 62kg
- I don’t like seafood
- There is video footage of me when I was 5 years old grabbing a girls bum, I was a page boy and she was a flower girl at my cousins wedding
- Whilst in Greece I accidentally broke a little girls leg
- I recently bought a pair of thongs
- I have never smoked anything not even one puff of a cigarette
- I have never bought my own undies (mum gets them for me)