howie’s halfpipe

Hello everyone isn’t it good to reach this time of year again. A time where we come together and pretend we like each other, a time where the world stands still whilst parents convince their children that a fat man will climb down our chimneys and deliver gifts. A time where repetitive annoying songs invade the airwaves. A time where turkey is considered “a special treat”, when really it has the texture of a chicken but the flavour of a car tire.
Christmas is upon us.

The true meaning of Christmas has disappeared and been replaced by a fat man who watches you all year and somehow knows if you have been naughty or nice. He hangs out in shopping centres and lets you sit on his knee if you hand over $10 and get a photo.

Oh tis the season to be jolly.

As we sit in our homes and our relatives homes this Christmas it is important that we do not forget the dangerous world we live in. As john Howard tells us we need to be Alert, not Alarmed.
Therefore the theme of Christmas this year should obviously be terrorism. As we sit around singing carols and exchanging holeproof hero socks we must also be alert. Whilst most people in the house are eating Christmas pudding and riding their new bikes around the living room it is important to have at least one person standing on your roof with an anti aircraft missile ready to fire. Not that anything is going to happen but we need to be Alert and ready.
It would be a sad day if on the 6 o’clock news we see stories of families who have been wiped out by terrorism due to a lack of precaution. The Christmas road toll is bad enough.
Be smart this Christmas and be ALERT.

Here are some handy tips I have come up with to help you get through Christmas.

1. Christmas cake tastes ok if you first burn your mouth with boiling water.
2. Don’t wear socks during the gift opening, this way you don’t embarrass your mother by getting a new pair of socks that you already have.
3. think in the back of your mind that once you make it through the day there is 365 days until you have to go through it again.
4. To minimise family disputes pretend you have lost your voice and don’t get involved in any conversations
5. wear 7 pairs of underpants to pad the impact when your grandfather keeps patting you on the bum and saying “you cheeky mug”
6. Don’t buy your mother weight watchers cook books
7. Eat lots during Christmas lunch so you need to retreat and lay down.

As Christmas only comes but once a year it is important to play it right. To play it safe and to lye low.