howie’s halfpipe

    ‘Dear IT Support:

           Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
           noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance,
           particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which
           operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

           In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable
           programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and
           then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0,
            Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

           Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system.
           I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no
           avail. What can I do?

           Signed, Desperate ——————

           Dear Desperate:

           First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,
           while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

           Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download
           Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If
           that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
           automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers
           3.5.

           But remember, overuse of the above application can cause
           Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0,
           or Beer 6.1.

           WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create
           Snoring Loudly.

           CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is
           not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

           In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
           limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You
           might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
           performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and
           Lingerie 7.7.’

           Good Luck, IT Support ——————

           ’Dear IT Support,

           18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates
           4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However,
           there are apparently conflicts between these two products and
           the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the
           sound turned off.

           To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with
           several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football
           4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved
           no better.

           I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs
           and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down
           completely for several weeks.

           Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at
           the same time, only to discover that when these two systems
           detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

           I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that
           this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While
           Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does
           come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

           Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0
           could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made
           were automatically stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and could not be
           deleted.

           They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about
           them.

           Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail
           filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and
           Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I
           have to try to guess what the problem is.

           Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
           requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle
           Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also,
           when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard
           drive, it often crashes.

           Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called
           MotherInLaw, which can’t be turned off.

           Recently I’ve been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there
           could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact
           that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all
           of your Money before uninstalling itself’.