I thought i should blog about my Nan so as not to give the illusion that i have no feelings or emotions.
I have to say that so far her death hasn’t really got to me all that much. hmmm thats probably not the best opening sentence following a statement highlighting that i do have feelings and emotions.
Anyway it hast really effected me that much. I think partly because i dont really know how to deal with death, so far in my life Nan is the first person to die who i have had a real strong connection with, so all the experience i have of death i have been somewhat removed from the experience so in this case i think i’m automatically removed because thats my default death response.
My Nan was such a great lady and i would say that through my childhood she was my best buddy. She loved me so much and i loved her. I’m sure everyone else in my family would conclude it was because she spoilt me so much that we got on so well. but i think its just casue we liked each others company, she was cheeky and fun and if i dont say so myself i’m cheeky and fun.
She knew how much i loved trains and adventures and due to the fact she never drove she was the queen of public transport. We went everywhere together, she made boring towns like blackheath fun!
She was always interested and supportive of everything i did, always coming to events and displays and all sorts of things.
She loved telling me how much she didnt like me, and how she never had and the moment she first sore me she thought ‘yuk’. And for me telling hr how old she was and that i have never liked her, offering to count her wrinkles each time we sore each other. But it was all just a cheeky cover for how much we loved each other.
The last few years have been tough, she suddenly aged so much and it was hard for me to see her casue she wasnt the Nan i was used to, she was extremely weak and vulnerable, her mind was scatty at times. It was tough i couldnt deal with her not being the same. the worst moment was just a month or so ago sitting in her room saying goodbye knowing that this would probably be our last encounter and for the first what felt like hours she didnt even know who i was.
I guess part of the reason her death isnt such a big thing is that she has in a kind of way been dead for a while. not to be harsh but she just wasnt Nan. Sure there were elements and i loved seeing her be cheeky in the last few years with the little energy she had, telling jenny how much she didnt like me and if i ever casue jenny trouble that jenny should just wallop me. I’m glad jenny got to meet my Nan.
So no tears from me as yet, but who knows mayble i’ll flood the place at the funeral.
can you tell its late at night, i can boy oh boy you would get a post like this if i was wide awake.
