the howie

I was just looking at a church website that a friend goes to. I noticed there was an online form for adding notices to the church bulletin. How could i pass up an opportunity for silliness like this?

So I have submitted the following.

Attention all kitchen users.

There are several cake tins missing fomr the kitchen. If you have borrowed a cake tin could you please return it ASAP, especially the pretty floral one.

And I sent it all from the email of Abby Graham

Here’s hoping this Sunday has a special notice in the bulletin.

Chk Chik Boom girl – One bogan girl gets on TV and the whole country goes crazy and experts start analyzing her and how did she get onto tv..blah blah blah. There are plenty of other bogan women on TV  that shouldn’t be and why are we not complaing about them. Gretel Killeen, Susan Boyle,Therese Rein,Reggie Bird, Pauline Hanson,

Malcom Turnbull – Boring!!!!!!!!

John Farnham – Staging a comeback tour. He had a big ‘last time’ tour which was followed by a national tour with Tom Jones.  Then his boss Wheatley had to go to jail, so John took some time off too. Then he announces yesterday he is back and the media goes crazy. But ‘you said you had retired’ . Who cares we have no right to dictate someone elses career and what they do. if he wants to sing sady one more time he can, if he wants to sing it 50 more times he can. He’s the voice, try and understand it!

Sol the Telstra man – Boring!!!!!!!!!

Swine flu – media beat up. So far it seems the swine flu has milder symptoms than your stock standard flu, is treated the same way and infectious the same way. So what do we do? How about as chopper would say ‘Harden the F%^& up! and suck a butter menthol if you feel sick.

I have found the greatest game on the entire interweb.

poo throwing monkeys.

Remember in the super duper old days, floppy disc and DOS days there was 2 killer games. Nibbles and Gorilla, well this one is like gorilla.

Waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of a dog licking it’s bits and pieces only about 45cm from your head isn’t my idea of a good night.

Today I was visiting a Church camp to be part of a panel discussion on service.

Before the panel discussion there was a service. To start with it began 45 minutes late, I think just because that’s the norm on a christian camp.

The service began with a bit of worship. The worship leader began by pointing at people in the congregation and saying “come on Tony get up here and sing with us”. She kept going until he had 6 or 7 people up the front with the band. I made sure i was well slouched in my chair.

The band fired up and we began to sing. Then part way through a song the worship leader put down her mic and began walking up and down the centre isle. Just before the next line of the song she would shout “MEN” or “WOMEN” depending on who she wanted to sing the next line. I remember when i was a younger chap that this was common practice in church but never with such military delivery. “MEN!!!!!”

My favorite moment was towards the end of a song when it was fading out she shouted “AGAIN!!”

It was an interesting experience.

After the service it was time for the panel discussion with me and a few others from different organisations.

I had to go first in introducing myself, who i am, what I do etc.

I began with a joke about how normally i just speak to young people and that a lot of the people in the room where far from being young. I didn’t mean to begin with such a gag it just came out. As it was falling out my mouth my brain started slapping me on the inside of my head, this could go down the wrong way big time, especially as I hadn’t warmed up with less offensive jokes to test the water. No one knew if I was going to be witty or not they had never seen me before.

Well It looked like i was right to be internally slapping myself as there was dead silence for what felt like 3 and a half hours.  But thankfully the dead silence was followed by a loud wave of laughter. I managed to put in a few gags whilst answering the questions of the facilitator. At one point a man in the congregation laughed so much it looked like his head was going to snap off his neck. His head fell backwards with some serious force.

The guy next to me in the panel did some funnies too, in fact his where much better than mine.

I found this website today that rates childrens artworks, you the ones that you see up above your doctors desk.

very funny.

I am better than your kids

Wife was going through my blog archives the other day and she stumbled across this old post from 06 about my dreams.

A few of them have come true.

I’ve received an Oscar

I’ve held a new born baby that i am the father of (see above completed dream)

I have pet turtles

Well that’s it. Not a huge milestone if you look at how many dreams I have, but you have to start somewhere.

Tonight was the first episode of Top Gear Australia – Series 2. The first series was really bad, Well I assume it was bad I only stomached a few minutes of a couple of episodes. There is no chemistry between the presenters, their jokes are all scripted and none of them are natural presenters.

Anyway I thought James Morrison could bring the show up a bit, I never thought he could save it or bring it into the league of it’s UK master. I was wrong, I lasted 10 minutes of tonights show. It was appauling television.

they wanted to prove the Stig was Australian so James peeled back the collar of the Stig’s racing suit to uncover a tiny stuck on aussie flag. What dramatic television. The logie is in the bag with on screen antics like that.

It was like a community televison car show but with a big budget.

Bring back re-runs of old Top Gear UK series or even just show colour bars for an hour with frecnh subtitles.

The fire alarm went off in the office today, For the first few minutes of the alarm we all just kept working. Then a few people stood up. The phone rang so I answered it, then when I realised it was going to be a long boring call I interrupted and said “sorry the fire alarm is going off i have to go”. Take that telemarketer!!!!

Anyway as we strolled towards the fire exit a pre recorded american voice says “evacuate the building”.

We walked down the fire stairs and then gathered on the footpath. the fire engines came, went inside then a few minutes later got back in their trucks and drove off. the alarm tunred off and we all went back inside.

To avoid having to wait ages and ages for the lift we went to the stairs, about halfway up I noticed that the fire stairs where made of wood!!!!! This doesn not seem like a smart choice of fire-stair building materials.

Anyway none of us are dead, there was no fire all quite dull really. not sure why I blogged about it. Guess it’s more exciting than hearing about how i took the lift down to the ground floor to check the mailbox, or more interesting than me telling you what colour boxer shorts i have on.

blue.

Since spending my entire KRudd money and putting in a little extra on a super dooper gas heater for our house there has not been one cold night.

Before I used my KRudd money every night was ruddy freezing.

Can we please have just one cold night so i can put the ruddy heater on.