MJ had number ones all the time and became the King of Pop.

I have number two’s all the time so am becoming the King of Poop

I got to throw up in the gutter outside the RSL club this morning.

It was still there when Jenny and I walked past later this afternoon.

I’m sick of being sick, i’m putting in for a full body transplant.

this is some super cool advertising.

I’m not a celebrity yet

The bearded cold is very different to your average cold. Most of you would not be familiar with it’s characteristics especially if you are a woman (excluding some southern European women).
The bearded cold comes on like your normal run of the mill winter time delight.

Stage One:
Firstly the sore throat in the evenings and mornings when it’s coldest. Then after a day or so the sore throat increases to being an all day all night affair.
And this is where the bearded cold leaves the regular cold and takes it’s own path of viral destruction.

Stage two:
The nose begins to clog up, not super runny yet, but defiantly blocked. You go to bed for the night and discover that breathing os going to be harder than normal so you implement the ‘mouth open’ nasal bypass. In cases of non-bearded colds this bypass causes slight issues in regard to increased dribble flow onto the pillow and sometimes you will wake up with a cold wet cheek. In the bearded cold this is taken to a whole new level. Instead of waking up with a small cold patch on one cheek and a ring of drool on the pillow you wake up with an entire wet face as the dribble must make it’s own path through the Forrest of facial hair, rarely making its pillow destination.
The result is a cold wet face, or if has been a long night then a cold crusty dry face with the odor of a wet dog.

Stage three:
The snot begins to flow. During this stage there is often an urgency when it comes to avoiding nasal disaster. Tissues are a great way to relieve the flow for a while, you blow your nose the snot is clear and you move on. In the bearded cold however you blow your nose with all your might into the nice soft tissue. When your nose is clear you remove the tissue only to find that the tissue is still in it’s original state and could easily be placed back in the box. All the snot you have removed is sitting, dangling, resting in your mustache. It normally requires the use of 2 tissues or more to clean up the junk in amongst the shrubbery. If you happen to have a bearded cold on Clean-up Australia Day this is a much easier process as you can just send in the local scout troop to clean up the mess.

As you know I sent off a silly item for a church bulletin through a church website.

It didn’t make it into the Sunday bulletin, but I did get this response.

I assume that you are aware that you have contacted 'Platypus' Church
in Sydney, Australia.  Maybe you are trying to reach 'Platypus Church' in the
USA.

We don't keep cake tins in our church kitchen, I hope you find the ones you
have lost.  

Office Administrator

you will notice I have very cleverly hidden the identity of the church with the word ‘platypus’