howie’s halfpipe

I thought i should blog about my Nan so as not to give the illusion that i have no feelings or emotions.

I have to say that so far her death hasn’t really got to me all that much. hmmm thats probably not the best opening sentence following a statement highlighting that i do have feelings and emotions.

Anyway it hast really effected me that much. I think partly because i dont really know how to deal with death, so far in my life Nan is the first person to die who i have had a real strong connection with, so all the experience i have of death i have been somewhat removed from the experience so in this case i think i’m automatically removed because thats my default death response.

My Nan was such a great lady and i would say that through my childhood she was my best buddy. She loved me so much and i loved her. I’m sure everyone else in my family would conclude it was because she spoilt me so much that we got on so well. but i think its just casue we liked each others company, she was cheeky and fun and if i dont say so myself i’m cheeky and fun.

She knew how much i loved trains and adventures and due to the fact she never drove she was the queen of public transport. We went everywhere together, she made boring towns like blackheath fun!

She was always interested and supportive of everything i did, always coming to events and displays and all sorts of things.

She loved telling me how much she didnt like me, and how she never had and the moment she first sore me she thought ‘yuk’. And for me telling hr how old she was and that i have never liked her, offering to count her wrinkles each time we sore each other. But it was all just a cheeky cover for how much we loved each other.

The last few years have been tough, she suddenly aged so much and it was hard for me to see her casue she wasnt the Nan i was used to, she was extremely weak and vulnerable, her mind was scatty at times. It was tough i couldnt deal with her not being the same. the worst moment was just a month or so ago sitting in her room saying goodbye knowing that this would probably be our last encounter and for the first what felt like hours she didnt even know who i was.

I guess part of the reason her death isnt such a big thing is that she has in a kind of way been dead for a while. not to be harsh but she just wasnt Nan. Sure there were elements and i loved seeing her be cheeky in the last few years with the little energy she had, telling jenny how much she didnt like me and if i ever casue jenny trouble that jenny should just wallop me. I’m glad jenny got to meet my Nan.

So no tears from me as yet, but who knows mayble i’ll flood the place at the funeral.

can you tell its late at night, i can boy oh boy you would get a post like this if i was wide awake.

At dinner a few nights ago with a bunch of people someone put forth the question “Do you need to go to Church to be spiritually connected to God?”
 

We took it in turns answering this question, each person having a slightly different view and response.
 

It got me thinking about it, and I shared a bit of this on Tuesday night at the dinner table. Do I think you need to go to church to be spiritually connected to God?
Well I personally don’t think we need to go to church for spiritual connection, in fact if God is everywhere and always with us then we should be able to have that spiritual connection wherever we are and go. But this doesn’t really work does it? In theory it sounds nice but I know for me that I’m not always engaged with God, in fact often I’m far from it.
Some people say they feel most connected with god when they are alone with Him having a quite time or reading his word. Well I’m not really good at that either, infact if you come to my house and look on the book shelf you will see about 8 different journals and note books that I have started over the years in my attempts to have a quiet time each day. So that doesn’t work
How do I get my spiritual connection with god, that’s a good question sometimes its at church I feel really close to God, and I have to say that its not often during the sermon, often I get distracted and turn off or start thinking about other stuff. But then worship I love worship, but not what you think, I’m not into the new music.
Amazing Grace is such  a powerful song, I love it so much and when I’m in a room full of people singing that song it sends shivers down my spine, there is something about old hymms, they are sung differently there is more gusto and passion sometimes and I love it.
That is a song that makes me feel spiritually connected to god.
But why don’t I feel connected during the sermon or in quiet times?
 

I can tell you that its not because the sermons are lame or that the bible isn’t for me, its not because church isn’t for everyone. Its because I get in the way of myself. That sounds a bit confusing but God is everywhere and he is always ready for me to engage with him but its up to me to make the connection, if I sit in church and get bored in a sermon its no reflection on the preacher it’s a reflection on me. I need to make an effoert to get close to god to be challenged by his word. I’m sure many people turn off in sermons, well I’m going to try not to, God has done so much for me, how about I show him some respect and put in the effort to listen and engage with his love.
 

Going back to the original question “Do you need to go to Church to be spiritually connected to God?”
Well you don’t need it but boy oh boy it’s a good start, in the world we have so many distractions, things that mean we forget about God and are not engaged with his spirit. So church is a time and place where we can drop the world for a few hours and spend time in fellowship with God, I think church is an awesome tool to help us be spiritually connected, when 2 or 3 are gathered in his name there He is in the midst.
Imagine if we could be spiritually connected all the time….what would it take for you to be?

U2 has postponed the vertigo tour..

I think a national public holiday and day of mourning is probably the best way to go about this.

humph

Today is my Nan’s 90th birthday.

My mum had organised a room at the local club and there was lots of balloons and streamers. My nan arrive by one of those fun wheelcahir taxi’s with my mum. And she got a good surprise becasue she didnt know that me and jenny came up, but also my nans only living cousin who is 88 also came with his wife. so my nan was very happy she got to see her only living cousin. THere was lots of food and rude coinversations between me and my nan.
My nan loves country music and my mum had hired some guy to come and play for her. a little strange only 7 of us all together plus one fella playing guitar, but he was good and nan had her feet tapping away in her wheel chair.
I really love my nan, we have always been such great buddies she was always taking me on fun advenrtues on trains and stuff. Little over night holidays in motels and stuff. She has always loved me so much and spoilt me.
Its hard seeing her a bit these days becasue she is so old and frail and her mind isnt as together as it used to be. So its a bit hard becasue she isnt the nan that she has always been, buut then again she is the same. she still loves me and loves it when i come and see her up here.

I dont think she will be around for heaps longer and that sucks. but lets celevrate while she nis still here. yay for my nan.

Dear Beth,

You haven’t commented on my blog for while.

Love,
Howie

La máquina de hilar es muy hermosa

I typed “Jenny is very Beautiful” into babel fish and asked it to translate that to spanish.

Sometimes things get lost in translation, go to babel fish and copy the spanish in and ask it to translate it to english.

I have been thinking about death a bit lately and i’m really not looking forward to some of my family members dying. No one in my family or extended family has died since i have been alive. But the next few years look to change that.

shame.

I dont like death. I dont want to cry.

I was thinking after a conversation that was had at lunchtime today.

I really enjoy seeing people with disabilities out and about. Like when i walk past the boys with down syndrome at the bus stop and they are laughing and telling each other poo jokes. I really love it. I think a part of it is that i want want they have, i dont mean a disability but more so the abundant ‘ability’ they have to just be themselves and to relax, to be silly to hold no grudges to just laugh and enjoy each others company no matter what the surroundings are. And i love seeing the kids from clarke road special school walking through hornsby, all walking in disorganised lines with some kids straggling behind and others running ahead or kids in wheelchairs beside kids with mental disabilities. It reminded me of a story from Korce Albania during one of our festivals. There was a statement that one of the local guys from the youth group said or maybe it was someone from our team i cant remember. Anyway it was that on the jumping castle there was a girl and she was the mayor of Korce’s daughter, but also on the jumping caslte was a gypsy girl who during the day was seen on the side of the road begging for money. But in the jumping castle they where all just jumping together happily.
Why is it that kids and people with down syndrome and other ‘dissabilities’ get it so right but we get it so wrong.
Kids dont care about skin colour or economic status they just play and jump together.

It would seem as if i am heading off to Greece in three weeks. Like last year.

All a bit sudden, my work is like that.

It seems to me that God seems to have a humerous sense of timing, he never seems to d things with plenty of time to spare, i think thats why we get on so well! Anyway a few prayers will be sent up in the next three weeks. as around $3500 neede be rased for me, but there i s three of us so really its $10,500 that needs to be raised in the next three weeks. Ah i love it!

So yay for my loyal readers, feel free to go balistic on the ads, send up prayer and give me dosh.

I love jenny, and yay for putting up with me for 6 months so far.

and yes I do only have half a beard in this photo.

I was sitting her thinking I have nothing to blog, its all going downhill, all my readers are leaving, I haven’t said anything interesting in months. The only thing that keeps people interested is if I talk about poo, and I haven’t had any poo stories in the last few weeks. what am I going to say. I don’t have any pictures to put up nothing. I don’t really have anything to whinge about. Although post could be classified as a whinge.
Anyway the point of this post is to try and prove to myself that I do have stuff the share with the world.
Lets see what been happening with my life over the last few months. Worl=k has bbeen crazy and a bit overwhelming at times with no sign of it slowing down anytime soon. Sickness oh yes I got sick. Its funny because I have been sick with this gut thing for about 12 months which is quite a ling time, but its just sort of become normal that I don’t see myself as sick. I really am fine. you know how after a while you just adapt to stuff and it becomes normal. Like when you get a new pair of jeans, at first they are all new and weird and uncomfortable but then after a while you don’t notice they are just jeans they are comfy and normal. Anyway but I got more sick didn’t I had the infections and stuff. But they are gone. Oh and I started going out with jenny that was a good move I really love jenny. We have been going out for just over 3 months now. I can really see myself marrying that girl. I think we have a come a long way together over the last few months. It’s a bit strange because we spend all day with each other at work sitting at desks right next to each other and so much of our work is together. But then after work what do we do. we hang out more. and on weekends we hang out too. There doesn’t seem to be a possible overload of each other. And frankly I don’t want there to be, I like spending so much time with jenny. I do need to watch It a bit so I don’t neglect other people. I think that’s what I did badly last year. With work and stuff I sort of neglected the other people around me, everyone really, I was never home and never hung out with my friends cause I didn’t have a healthy balance. Its not like that with jenny but I don’t want it to become like that. cause it sicked I never saw anyone and never hung out with them, I was just howie, they guy that appeared sometimes and that we used to hang out with. So this year I’ve tried to change that. I’m still not excelling at it there has been heaps to do at work and been spending any spare time I get sleeping or with jenny. But I have spent more time with other people. Still looking for a healthy balance.
Emotionally how am I going, well pretty good I think. A bit tense and overwhelmed at times with work stuff, but then have to try and remind myself that I work for God and he wont give me more than I can handle. The only way it will become more than I can handle is if I don’t hand my work over to God in the first place and I try and do it alone.
Not that god wont make it challenging cause he will but he wont make it impossible.
So I think that’s another growth area for me just trusting in god and his plans for me, and not trying to do work without him.
How am I going spiritually. well that’s a bit of a grey area. I think to be really truthful I have been really close to god since about 2000. That may shock some people. But I think its true, my relationship with god is really up and down I don’t really get angry at God or upset with him, I think its more that I just haven’t had a good church home and I have bad habits which have helped push me further from gods presence. Like quiet times, I would love to have a quiet time everyday and the amount of times I have started and done it for a few days and then just stopped is ridiculous. I guess I’m telling you all this because in telling you I have sort of become accountable to you all. I would like to change I would like to get close to god again I would like to be a place where I thank god for everything, where I send up prayers as I’m crossing a road where I spend time in the bush in his creation just pondering and thanking him. I want to be in a place where I feel his hand on mine where ever I go. I want to be connected into a church, in fellowship with others, sharing our walks with each other.
I’ve started going to Thornleigh Baps a bit and I really like it. Good teaching good worship a real strong focus on mentoring and stuff. I like it I think as my braveness grows I’ll find it a really awesome church. So yes you heard it here first I think it will be my new church home.
In saying all that it sounds like I have been depressed for the last 5 years. that’s not true I have had some really awesome and profound times with God and have grown in my faith in some ways. Its just easier to pinpoint the stuff that’s not going as well as it could be.
It scares me how much people do look up to me sometimes and follow me not in a big headed I’m so good kind of way. Just like young people looking up to me and I have a job to be as much like Jesus as I can. And I fail, a lot so I really need to re-ignite my walk which God so that I can be in touch with him and look after all the young people I work with and everyone I interact with.
Ty and I where talking about our sort of work once and talking about me not having a church and stuff. He had a good analogy. Its like a sponge full of water, you can wring it out for a long time and get water out of it but eventually it will run dry unless there is a tap above it replenishing its water. Like the work I’m doing is good, and people are growing and changing and its all awesome but if I’m not getting replenishment from god then I’ll just run dry and the life will be squeezed out of me.
So there you go, may have shocked some of you, its not often I talk about god stuff on here.

that might do for now.

there will be a comprehension exam on the above later on.

Jennys‘ are good, Unfortunalty i dont want to share her with anyone. But just take my word for it, she’s the bomb!

I’d just like you all to know that I really like jenny. Like really really like jenny. I think she’s the bomb!

sorry if this is embarrising for you jenny but I just wanted to tell the world.

Well I guess you where all going to find out anyway (well maybe not all of you). But yes myself and jenny are going out again, we like to think of it as ’round two’.

Its good cause i like jenny.

Do you ever feel like a puppet?

Not quite sure if it’s a relief or if now its just going to rest harder on my conscious.

Today one of the peoples whom wedding video I haven’t finished yet cam to visit me at work. He wasn’t very happy, as I can understand. Anyway he has asked me to give hi the tapes by next week (un-edited) and that I have to repay him $200. He is going to go and get it edited somewhere else. I didn’t bother saying much cause I could tell if I opened my mouth he would have just got angrier so ijust quietly agreed and now here I am in this strange position.
Its not good that it came to this, really not good.

I tell you wedding videos are of the devil.

Anyway I’m not sure if the weight has been lifted off my shoulders in some way. Now I don’t have to edit the video but I do have to pay 200 bucks and I have made a man quite frustrated.

I don’t know.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggg
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tell you the video guy at my wedding is gonna get to sit at the front table with me and the wife. He has made a bigger commitment to making the video than it is to get married.

Wedding videos grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

This morning I went and voted then went to phoebes 1st birthday where I got to play some Frisbee with Deb’s funky Frisbee.

After Phoebe’s party I decided I wanted to have some just Howie time. Something I haven’t really had in a long time. I like hanging out with my self every now and then I’m a good bloke. Anyway the last few months have been quite full on in the community department and I need a bit of space I think. So today I took the initiative and spent the afternoon with just me. I figured if I stayed home I would end up talking to people here and it wouldn’t be the same. So I got my camera and tripod and extra lens and I caught a train to Milsons Point.
I felt like taking photos.
I spent over an hour walking across the harbour bridge just taking arty photos. It was great just me a camera and a beautiful afternoon. I really enjoyed myself, I could go where ever I wanted stop whenever I wanted. Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!!!!!
I think I got some good photos too.
I love the city, I love transport, I love photos. I think that’s a bit of a perfect day for me if I could just spend a whole day on transport and taking photos and looking at buildings. It probably sounds weird but I love it.
I think some of it probably stems from being an only child I really got to enjoy my own company at times and being alone isn’t a boring thing or a negative thing. I would love to go on a holiday by myself for like a week or so. Somewhere where there is grass and a beach and busses and trains and boats.
I’m such a kid I love transport.
Anyway back to my afternoon. Once I had made it across the harbour bridge I walked across the Cahill expressway which goes over the top of Circular quay. That was very cool, tall buildings on one side and the harbour on the other.I took a few more photos and walked back through Circular Quay towards Wynyard. On my was I saw a photo shop still open so I put my film in for developing. Then I just wandered around the city a bit and picked up my film at 7pm. Then it was off to Chatswood for toms coke party.

I felt really sick when I got to toms place. I was feeling really hot then cold then hot. I felt like I was going to throw up big time. But I never did throw up. I decided to go have a sleep. It was probably an hour or so I spent sleeping in a back room. Then I came back out to join the rest of the gang. Still feeling sick now, I really hope its not the intestinal infection coming back to haunt me cause I’m really sick of being sick all the time. The last few weeks I have felt great. I don’t want to go back to feeling like this.

And now I’m home about to go to bed.

this post falls under 4 seperate categories thats fun

There are not many things in my life that really make me go grrrrrr. But the main thing that does make me go grrrrrrrrrr is wedding videos. some of it is anger at myself for beinsg so stupid for saying yes to doing them in the first place. another part of the grrr is the fact that they are so boring, and so hard to edit, another part of the grr is the fact that i still havent finnished or even started them. Another part of the grrrr is that i really dont want to do them…..They are the one thing in my life that makes me really angry and anoyed at myself and at the world and at video production in general. I often cant sleep at night cause weding videos are on my concious. When ever i hear someone mention wedding videos i cant help but cringe.
I even had a dream a few weeks ago where i commited suicide over the wedding videos and my suicide note said “Bloody wedding videos” and that is all it said.

Its time people.

Here on the world wide web i’m going to commit to to something i dont want to commit to. I am going to be held accountable to the whole damn world.

I am going to have both outstanding wedding videos editied and sent to the couples by the 24th of October.

Man it sucks, its been boiling up in me for months and months, i’m always too busy or too something. I’m scared of the people who got married, i’m scared of it all. Wedding videos suck!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

In the last few weeks i think i have felt confused, excited, tired, weary, bler, worried, hungry, muddled, strong, loved, self concious, shy, bold, naughty, responsible, scared, robust, disliked, un-noticed, creative. . Quite a mixed bag really, good bad and inbetween.