the howie

With all these new state government transport overhauls, well that’s what hey call it. Really it’s just the same old ticket but now it’s printed on yellow, red or blue paper and we all know how that is a great design tool. It just radiates professionalism, just like in primary school when your teacher would add some flare to a comprehension work sheet by adding a clipart image of a frog and printing it on yellow paper.

Anyway with all these new state government transport overhauls I got thinking, what would sydney transport be like if there was a rewards program just like airlines.

How it would work:

For every dollar you spend on tickets you get 1 point.
points can be redeemed in the online rewards store for items like.

• 150 points = one glossy brochure highlighting the governments plans for an underground metro line connecting Dubbo to Coffs Harbour

• 200 points = one packet of hospital grade antibacterial disposable gloves for using when holding onto train and bus poles.

• 350 points = one packet of paper disposable hygienic seat covers for use on trains buses and ferries

• 500 points = one weeks access to an exclusive restricted website containing accurate timetable information

• 650 points = one disposable can of pepper spray

• 800 points = one battery operated pocket sized translator for decoding PA announcements (batteries not included)

• 1000 points = one inflatable life jacket for use on all modes of transport

The Brown Club

If you spend more than a certain amount in a year and travel over a certain amount of km’s you can apply to become a member of the exclusive ‘Brown Club’.
Brown members can access certain perks across the transport network that are highlighted below.

• Exclusive Seating - Brown club members can enjoy an exclusive seat on all trains, buses and ferries, club members simply follow the brown line on the floor inside the door straight to their exclusive seating area which is also situated in the used syringe exclusion zone. The seats are clean(ish) with reduced amounts of graffiti (excluding trains and buses) and come complete with a free copy of yesterdays MX newspaper folded down beside the seat.

• Exclusive waiting areas at stations, bus stops and wharfs - This dedicated waiting area is on every platform, wharf and bus stop and is clearly marked by a small concrete square on the ground. (indicating where rubbish bins once existed)

• The Brown Lounge - The brown lounge is the ultimate indulgence for club members. All major transport hubs have the Brown Lounge perfectly placed in between the male and female toilets made famous buy their warm blue fluorescent glow. Inside the lounge members will find the latest in lino flooring, orange vinyl covered chairs and classic laminated tables. To keep you entertained there is a 30cm television mounted on the wall showing repeats of the Kerri-Ann Kennelly show 24 hours a day and to quench your thirst there is a tap is conveniently placed next to the brevvile sandwich press.

Brown members also receive the highest level of customer service available from staff.

• when boarding a bus the driver will replace the usual snort with a grunt

• When boarding a ferry the first mate will put in his false teeth so the welcome aboard smile is less intimidating

• Train guards will shout ’sorry’ when they see you running for the closing doors of a train.

What do you think?

I want to be like Lezalee and Thomas,

This is where I work.

first i get in the lift.

Then press 4

a corridor, stairs, another corridor and a couple of doors later you hit my desk. You will notice a small piece of blue paper on my wall above my screen.

At a staff conference we did some warm and fuzzys and the blue paper is one I received.

sweet.

I keep meaning to publicly congratulate David and Andreana on their engagement.

I dug up this picture from the archives, unfortunately I don’t know Andreana well enough yet to photoshop her, but I’m hoping come weeding time that will be rectified.

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

Ambrose Bierce

We ran out of cans of coke at home.

So today in the office i had the last can.

My plan is to switch to solo and lemonade for a while, not giving up coke but not having it every day.

how long will I last?

This sign is at a school I’m doing stuff at this week.

I’d like to come back after the holidays and watch kids being dropped off at 10km/h that seems quite fast. I guess this school is finding ways to fight child hood obesity. In my day mum used to stop the car.

Well it seems 2 people have had a go at writing posts on my behalf. Are they spot on?

1.

So, back to work on Monday - I have co-workers to torture in person.  Although electronic jibes add a more public element to my fun.  Gotta spread the joy.

You will be pleased to hear I have recovered from my visit to the boring town of Armidale - you saw the ridiculous pics.  I am surprised actually you are still reading my blog after my long-winded iinet story.  Needless to say I have spent a lot of time doing web stuffs this week.  This has worn me out and I am now too lazy to write anything.  Can’t even come up with a poo joke. 

This one was contributed by some bogan chick from Melbourne

2.

Let mw update you on my life.

I hate poevert so much that I fight it two dayc aweek! TYhe other days I stay at home and watch Jenny take photos of oscar and put them on pfacebook.

Jenny is a little agnry with me at thje momnet. I think because I haven’t done as myuc with my life as she was hoping. I think she expecte d thnat I wuoId be on the diasbility  pension by now so we could have heaps more dvds, but i haven’t even appiled. I’m a biu of a dissappintment/

Bt we are going to new zealand this year. I’m the best husband in the wolrd.Not just because of this but because I do everything around the hous. And jesnny knows it. Oscar doesn’t know it yet, but he will. Plus I own various power tools.

We are rather happy that Tom movd out. he was cramping our style. Plus he was creeping oscar out. It was probably because he kept trying to breast feed him with milk he’d put in plastic bags strapped to his chest with little holes cut in it for oscar to suckj on. That’s AVO we took out was the best thing wev’e ever done as a family.

This one was contributed by the man with his hands down his skirt.

Today Jenny, Oscar and I where in a bookshop.

We spent a fare bit of time looking at children s books, and they had a large selection.

I was standing looking at a wall rack full of books and noticed something a little out of place in amongst the books.

There was a ‘ped EZE’ cheese grater for your heel dead skin.

What was it doing with the kids books?

More importantly what was it doing in a bookshop?

Today finally we have fast NDSL interwebs connection at home!

It has been a saga and a half getting it connected.

First step was applying on the iinet website.

I did this in early Feb on a quiet afternoon in the office.

Then after 24hrs or so I had not received any form of confirmation of my application, not even an email. So I called up.

Turned out their system had broken my application but saved all my info, so the friendly man on the phone said he would resubmit my info but would need to change the surname.

Fine by me.

I started getting emails telling of the progress, then one day a week or so later I was told a telstra tech guy was coming out to install a phone line to our house, the telstra man came and installed a phone line out our house and then went up to the exchange and did some geeky stuff.

Then about a week after the first telstra man i was told a second tech was coming out to do something or other, and sure enough a second tech arrived with his screwdrivers and ladies cologne.  He fiddled around with the phone socket then went up to the exchange and returned again saying his work was done.

Then a progress email told me that iinet needed to send some stuff to the phone line to get rid of the dial tone and turn it into a naked dsl line.

then a week or so later another email and sms telling me my service was ready for use so they would post me out the modem and then i could be off and downloading.

So the modem arrived almost a week later and i plugged it in following all the steps listed.

nothing, not sync, no pretty blue lights.

I called again, and for the next 2 weeks phoned about every second day as there was all sorts of issues and things to try to get it to work. Then one person on the phone asked me to plug a phone into the line and see if there is a dial tone.

So I did and there was a dial tone, this is not what we wanted to hear because next came ‘we will need to send out a tech to the exchange to do some work, the next timeslot is in a weeks time’.

Then i got an email saying my original application, the one that didn’t work was still in progress and should be connected shortly. ARGGGG they where trying to install 2 connections on the one line. they rectified this problem by telling me there was a disconnection fee for one of the services, which luckily they then agreed to credit.

So we had to do more waiting.

that teach appointment was last thursday, while we where in Armidale so we thought we would come home to super fast internet.

We cam home to the same old sad story of no pretty lights on the modem.

So another 5,000 calls to iinet and the response came ‘we need to send a telstra tech to your house’. I told the man that there had already been 3 techs trying to connect my service was number 4 going to do the job?’

No.4 arrived at 12:30pm today, he was scheduled to arrive between 8am and 12noon.

Anyway he came and fiddled around, swore a bit under his breath and said there was some bad wiring in the socket, and a battery attached to the line outside. apparently one or all of the previous technicians had stuffed the instill. Then the tech man disappeared up to the exchange for a while before returning and telling me it should all be working now.

so he plugged in the modem and called iinet to make sure they where receiving the sync, they said yes.

he was the only tech that checked his work.

I overheard him on the phone outside and the person on the other end must have asked what the problem was.

He said bad wiring in the socket, a battery attached to the line outside and something else done wrong at the exchange, he then paraphrased it ‘pretty much a F&^$ up at every point possible’.

So thank you No.4 you are my hero.

So far i’ve seen this connection at 7.2Mbps not too bad.

If you are like me, and lets face you probably are like me or least want to be like me. Why else would you read my blog?

Well if you are striving to be me every time you go out to put rubbish in the bins you walk back to the front door frantically banging and swiping your head, shoulders, chest and upper back to ensure no spiders have landed on you and are going to kill you.

I hate spiders, bugs, cockroaches…….. I hate anything that can scramble across you, it sends shudders up my spine.

But spiders are the worst, Jenny has to be the man in our house casue i’m to busy shaking and standing on top of a pile of chairs squealing like a young boy going through puberty.

Well tonight I had to go take the rubbish out, it was dark and knew there was spiders about, there always is. To get to the bins you have to pass through the arch way of death. In the day time it’s a metal arch with roses on it but by night it’s the “ARCH WAY OF DEATH”.

I made it through swinging one of my arms around like a helicopter to break any webs of doom.

I didn’t feel any webs break with my arm so thought I was sweet.

It was on my happy trot back to the front door when I felt that horrible horrible crawling feeling on the back of my neck.

you know the one,8 little sticky feet making their way for the gap between your shirt and neck.

Being the well restrained gentleman that I am,I only whispered expletives as not to wake the neighbors.

I quickly ripped the shirt off in the doorway and began more hitting and swiping of my head, neck, back and chest.

I looked down at my shirt and couldn’t see anything.

1. Was it on my pants?

2. Was it on the floor about to run up my leg?

3. Was it all paranoia and actually just the tag of my shirt?

I was too scared to go for number 3, it was real, I felt it!

I decided to flick my shirt across the floor a bit.

And that’s when i got even more freaked out.

When you are freaked out, you make stupid decisions. mine was thinking ‘It’ll stay there for a minute, you should go get your camera’.

Well turns out it wasn’t that stupid as it did stay there.

Now i had to get rid of it, what if in the morning i wake up and it’s on my face!!!

I went and got one of my shoes as the thongs I’m wearing are thinner than my masculinity.

I realised I had one shot, and with this one shot I was to terminate the beast and probably also wake up wife and baby in the process.

So i hovered the shoe above the drop zone, and then BANG! Did I get it?

At first I didn’t know I was too busy trying to climb over the table to stand on the couch!

After a while i ventured back to the shirt and I had succeeded!

Now i’m siting at my computer with no shirt on wondering if I should really be telling people on the internet that I’m sitting here half naked.

Step 1.

Use ‘ProChef - Extra Virgin Olive Oil’ cooking spray.

The problem with extra virgin olive oil is that it has never been touched by a frypan before. When it did get touched for the first time, it freaked out and turned in to an emotional wreck all over our nice frypan.

Next time I’m using ProChef Extra Floozy Olive Oil, it should know what it’s doing.

I was just sitting happily at my desk doing some interweb surfing and I thought to myself, I don’t need the light on, all i’m doing is looking at an already lit up screen.

So i turned the light off.

On returning to my desk I knocked over a very large glass of water which took my MacBook Pro on a whole new level of web surfing.

The water managed to wet my iPhone, Macbook Pro, TV, desk speakers, numerous on power cords and adapters, papers, the entire desk, my lap and facade of desk drawers. With a splash on the side of the new work hard drive i brought home.

in reality it all happened extremely quickly. In my head however it was like watching Kevin Costner’s ‘waterwold’  it was a soggy saga that dragged on for what felt like months.

The first thing i did was quickly shut my computer and rip out the mag safe power cord that for the first time in it’s life actually held up some resistance in being removed.

Then it was off with power points and out with the tissues as there was no time to go and find a towel from the linen cupboard that would create the following statement from the better half ….

“what did you use that towel for, the electrical equipment drying towel is the one under the stairs at the bottom of the second pile next to the platter we got from your Aunty, I’ve told you that a million times, you’re using the second bathroom emergency bath mat.”

Cleaning up a lot of spilled water with tissues takes a long time and it also leaves a lot of water behind.

I did what i thought was all the drying and decided i should take a closer look at my laptop.

The USB ports where a bit damp and a bit of splash on the keyboard, nothing 75 tissues couldn’t fix.

But then i noticed water might have snuck in through the gap in the unibody.

The problem with macs is that they use the world’s smallest screws and for someone with bad isight it’s hard enough to find all the screws let a lone un screw them.

Luckily my wife has a repair kit in her car that should do the job.

I went out and got her handy toothpick size screwdriver set and began unscrewing the tiny screws.

Once inside i noticed there was no water at all.

So I put the case back together with a few disheartening cracking noises and turned it all back on to write a blog post.

As for all the other equipment  it all seems dry now, but boy oh boy I could do with a glass of water after all that!

As you know I spent the weekend sleeping in a makeshift slum.

Each night as i couldn’t sleep due to discomfort I would stare at the ceiling of the slum which happened to be made of empty cardboard fridge boxes.

I noticed something that you are going to find profound and life changing.

There is no ‘d’ in refrigerator. I have never noticed this before. Why is there a ‘d’ in fridge?

It should be pronounced re-frig-erator which sounds like some sort of nautical dinosaur.

So i’m thinking of starting a bring back the d campaign called ‘Plan D’.

Dave Andrews has ‘Plan Be’ all about bringing the beatitudes to a prominent place in our churches and personal faith.

Plan D shall attempt to return the D to fridge boxes, I’m pretty sure koorong will back me and sell my book.

No ‘d’. I’m still shocked.

‘Om’ has moved out, On sunday he came over to do some extreme vacuuming and remove 18 months worth of toe jam, dead skin and un-opened bank statements.We have decided to turn tom’s old room into a study/ spare room as my working from home situation has been impaired by my desk being smooshed in behind the wardrobe in our bedroom.

So today we did lot’s of moving and rearranging of stuffs.

Jenny even got me a sweet sign for the door.

The space behind out wardrobe will now be a storage area.

this week shall involve a meeting or tow, video capturing and sleeping in a cardbaord box in the melbourne burbs for the weekend.

As you know, I’m watching a bond movie every week. The old bonds on the whole are pretty good films but some standout flops have been ‘On Her Majesties Secret Service’ with auusie george Lazenby as bond, he is the crappest bond ever. The next film that was dumb is actually the next film ‘diamonds are Forever’ it just was dull.

But that doesnt matter i’m having a great time watching them.

I shaved on Saturday.I’m eating brownies and that is you up to speed on my exciting life.

I just installed google chrome and it doesn’t seem to like the idea of spaces in between lines and new paragraphs.

With a title like that you are probably expecting a rant about Eddie McGuire and his brigade of puffy blue commentators at the winter Olympics that doesn’t have snow.

Well that’s not what this post is about.

Today i had the best idea ever.

Fresh fruit salad + ice magic

I know it’s the sort of idea that could get me the Nobel prize.

The fruit salad was chilling away in a container in the fridge, so i got it out, added fruit to my bowl then poured on the ice magic.

I waited a few minutes but the ice magic didn’t go hard.

Maybe the fruit wasn’t cold enough.

So i put my bowl with all it’s contents into the freezer.

The ice magic still didn;t go hard.

So the best idea in the world has some flaws.

Why didn’t it go hard? Is there some sort of chemical reaction between ice cream and ice magic?

I was in the lift coming up to the office earlier today, and as I do every time i’m in the lift alone, I look at myself in the big mirror.

I noticed that there is a big hole in my beard of nice smooth skin that feels like it has never had hair growing on it. And on the other side of my face in the same area there is beard, not thick but there is defiantly hair there.

In October I’m going on holidays with my wife and son.

We are going to New Zealand.

I hope we don’t regret taking an almost 2yr old overseas, but how could we resist when he is free!!!!!

In January I had 3,008 unique visits to this blog.

That is the first time it has ever gone over 3,000.

Surely there is more interesting things to look at on the internet.

Like this.